The Music Can’t Play Loud Enough Today

Woke up in a pretty decent mood. Had to bring my son to school early for a field trip. Made sure he had packed a lunch, some money in his pocket for a drink or a souvenir and his belt on to satisfy the dress code.

Was falling asleep on the couch watching the local weather. There was a cool” front coming today…wind, chilly, 67 degrees. I felt a thud on the top of my nose. The baby had almost crushed my face with some headphones (of course I’m exaggerating). It was the large kind that cover a baby’s head and ears AND cheeks. My mood started to shift downward.

Dropped my daughter off at the bus stop. We sat in silence, neither of us ready to compete with the birds chirping. I checked Facebook, she checked Tumblr. The bus arrived and I returned home to a sleeping husband, a passed out baby and lukewarm tea. My mood started to shift upward.

Went for a walk with a friend and our babies. Two and a half miles later, we had talked about kids, expenses, fashion, sweating and what to make for dinner. I rewarded myself with gas station coffee for two bucks. We continued on to Publix, where shopping is truly a pleasure, and picked up a few items for the day’s meals. My mood was still up until I ALMOST forgot my grocery bag and THOUGHT I lost my phone.

I commenced the daily routine of cleaning up after pigs. Yes, my family has turned into a bunch of pigs. The dishes were piled up, towels to be folded were waiting for me on the couch, the whites were sitting in the dryer still wet. The baby’s toys…well…they’re just EVERYWHERE!

I put on some music to distract me from sitting around and moping about it all. The music couldn’t get loud enough. Each song, I turned it up louder. Maybe my Pandora station selection was a bit too cryptic today because it seemed to increase my sadness. I was feeling the lyrics. The anxiousness was getting the best of me. Make the music louder. Louder. LOUDER.

It’s just one of those days.

Below are a few funnies that I found while searching for some humor to go along with my post. They made me laugh so hard because of their truth and because of Anxiety Cat’s expression. It is, what I call “CLASSIC!” with a cackle to go along with my exclamation. I feel better for now.

Waiting for the Repair Guy and Contemplating the Exercise Bike

So, my refrigerator decided to shut down on Saturday night but I think it was a day or so before that, actually. My husband and I attempted to determine the problem and remedy it with the shop-vac and some tinkering, but, to no avail. The fan seems to be spinning, the coils are dust free but the ice is slowly melting in the freezer. And something is starting to stink in the house. Needless to say, I started down a cranky path.

We waited until Sunday morning to see if there was any change, sadly and knowingly there wouldn’t be any. I checked to see if the maintenance contract was still active. Of course, it was not. Those darn things. Why anyone signs a contract for only the first two or three or five years is beyond me now that I’ve had some experience. If I know anything about anything now, it’s that brand new household appliances seem to only have a good run for approximately eight years before they decide to give you any problems. So frustrating!

In fact, I think those contracts should have a section called: Here’s a better deal! Sign up for ten years INSTEAD for an additional fee because, REALLY, all your shit is gonna start malfunctioning around eight years! GUARANTEED!

I’d buy that extended maintenance contract in a heartbeat. First our car, although technically not a household appliance but eight years old (what a surprise) needed a new alternator. To list the others this last year includes the air conditioner, the water heater, then the dishwasher. Which, by the way, as an update to an earlier post, we ended up buying a used one for only $40 from my husband’s boss because it was just sitting in his garage perfectly fine! Just the color wasn’t right for his wife…an absolute deal for Mr. Frugal and Ms. Cheapskate! And now the fridge. sigh

The repair guy should be here soon (that’s called optimism). The window of service is scheduled for between 1pm and 5pm (that’s called pessimism AND sarcasm). I feel a little immobile. A bit anxious. I just want the work completed quickly and cold air restored. I want to get my workout done. I did my leg raises routine this morning but I only completed half of it due to little motivation and worry that he’ll wonder what that smell is. I feel like I should be getting more done. But, the waiting. The lull.

To distract myself, I decided to empty and wipe the shelves and drawers down. I didn’t want the repair guy thinking I kept an untidy home! Plus, maybe it would help alleviate that garbage stench. As I scrubbed, I contemplated miscellaneous to-do’s. One of which is bringing the exercise bike back in from the garage. I moved it in there during the holidays to make extra room and I’ve missed it. It always got me on the right mind-set if I could get a good pace started. I remembered how my mind would go blank as I pedaled. I remember my legs burned. The sweat as it dripped to my eyeballs, down to my neck. I even sealed my fate by texting my husband declaring I was bringing it in this evening. I felt a little bit better.

So, to look at my day in a different way…

When things are bringing you down, no matter how trivial, remember:

There will always be another mishap. There may be an unpleasant odor to it.
You will most likely get through it, but may need a little help.
You will triumph.
Next appliance purchased, consider the “shit gonna malfunction in 8 years” service option.

Music, Friends and Piles of Shit

Yesterday I put music on LOUDLY to get myself motivated to straighten up the house. I usually do so when I know I’m going to be conquering a large task. It puts me in a calm mood and I get in a zone.

The tunes can be whatever comes on the radio (well, Pandora). Sometimes it’ll be pulled from downloaded albums like my 90’s grunge…yes, think Pearl Jam or STP; or from the current century like the awesome and quirky Cold War Kids. And sometimes, I just find something new like the smooth and haunting sounds from Bootstraps. Or, that damn catchy high hat beat from The Nbhd. I love those happenstances of finding something new. Often times, though, I’ll read a quick bio and look at their discography and realize the dang song is from 2011 or some odd year when I must’ve been listening to my Counting Crows again and again, instead. Where was I and what was I doing? Hiding under a rock?! Napping for endless hours?! Eh, no matter. I’ll just add this “something new” to play to death and annoy my teenagers with along with songs about recovering satellites and taking things that withdraw. Ah…Counting Crows, those guys are always my steady.

Anyways, I was jammin’ out to today’s pick of Top 40…something about best days of life (catchy chorus, by the way) and tasking from living room (straightening cushions and folding laundry and hiding toys) to kitchen (wiping the damn counter AGAIN and realizing the dishwasher is officially broken). Then, to dining room – oh yeah, there I just glanced at the table top with its miscellaneous items of laptop equipment, book bags, receipts and Christmas decorations I forgot to pack and kept on walking. My goal was to make it to the bedroom to make up my bed before…or after (I couldn’t make up my mind) I put away all the laundry I folded WAY BACK from my time in the living room. Such a busy bee, I was! All the while I was thinking about a recent conversation I had with my best friend.

She called me about some questions she had about insurance (my previous life) and we discussed for a bit. We then started talking about daily life, running here and there, messy house, no time for husband, missing time spent with her son. Gotta slow down, gotta stop the worrying. Gotta get together soon, miss you, love you, remember when we were young and didn’t have such worries?! “But, Nat! You were the most laid-back person growing up!” I told her. “I KNOW! I don’t know what happened! I need to find my way back to that!” she replied.

It was not so long ago that I remember those feelings of anxiousness, those feelings of never having enough time to get things finished or tended to. Important things. NOT work-related. Things that make you reflect upon and you can smile about. Those things that make your heart warm, that make you feel proud to be you. As a person, a friend, a spouse. As an adult child to your aging parents. As a parent to little heathens, forgive me, I mean angels! One day, I don’t remember the exact time, it was more a period of months, I just decided that I can’t let my life run me over and and regret things that have/haven’t happened. I’ll just have to accept, reflect, enjoy…and I do, most days.

As I thought about my friend, I wondered if I had comforted her enough, if I had made a difference in her day. Would she pull from the conversation and stay strong in a time when she felt like crying if someone mentioned a yoga class she should take or what type of plans did she have for the evening? Would she go home that night, and if it was late, caress her little boy’s head while he slept and be alright about missing dinner with him? Would she change her way of thinking and just be thankful that he had a full belly and family to watch over him until she returned? Would she wait for her husband to return home after his shift ended and give him a big hug and smile and revel in that simple act instead of worrying about WHATEVER?

I looked at all of my to-do’s still pending (picture piles of laundry, a suitcase STILL unopened from last week, mail to sort, dinner) and realized that I may not know all the answers and I may not do everything right, but it’s ok to let go and it’s ok to stop it all. I didn’t think it’d ever have been possible to stop my obsessive thinking and worrying and nagging but I know I’ve come a long way and it does get better.

After all this thinking and cleaning, I decided to change the music. It changed from Top 40 to Reggae. I grooved for a few but it just wasn’t right. I switched to Rock…the alternative heavy kind. I was semi-inspired. I just wasn’t feeling it anymore. So, I decided to turn the music off. SILENCE. It was quite nice. The baby sat down with me and we read a book. He got up and ran away afterwards and I continued to sit, enjoying the moment. Not noticing the dining room or the kitchen pots calling out to be warmed with sauces and veggies. Nor the bathroom, even, with it’s demanding cries for some attention. I was content and done with my piles of shit for the day.

I hope my friend can find her way back to that laid-back chick she once was. She’s definitely still in there. I know it from her demeanor, her gentleness to others, her genuinely happy tone of voice whenever she talks to you. It’s still all there.

Maybe I could tell her to listen to some music (like me with my steady). Or sit in silence or go fold laundry. Or go draw something (she actually used to draw/sketch beautiful things). But, I know better. These types of things you figure out on your own, in time. Fortunately.