Tag Archives: thoughts

Feelings, Tasks and Being Grateful In This Daily Grind Called Life

Today, I feel accomplished…I cleaned the bathroom. Yesterday, I finished potting my plants and filing “important papers.” Most days, I contemplate dinner and play with the baby. I go on the internet too much and I grab a snack every time I walk through the kitchen. Oh…don’t forget naps…I ❤ naps! But, I haven't napped since Sunday so I think I'm due a few hours.

Today, I thought about how old I'm getting because I was drinking lukewarm coffee while eating a tuna sandwich (gross together) and then went and took a few bites of cold leftover spaghetti, for good measure. I also entered a few sweepstakes. See..old! It's now 2pm and the daily Florida torrential downpour has commenced. My daughter has awoken from another slumbering marathon and I can consider taking a shower with the door closed.

Today, I am so thankful for my husband, who works hard to provide for our family and lets me enjoy my time at home with the kids. I hope he stays safe and dry in the rain and gets home safely after another long day. It’s days like these where he has to work long hours and in bad weather that makes me remember how good I’ve got it. I’m dry…and safe…and comfy.

Today, I guess I’ll give him a foot massage and a hot meal. Tomorrow, well, let’s not push it.

All in all, my days are good. Unpredictable in mood, decent most times, abhorrent at others. Right now, I’m consoling a terrible-two-toddler who can’t get his way while listening to Elmo’s high pitch of a voice in the background and trying to keep my eyelids from shutting from pure exhaustion. And I’m smiling, inside, even if it’s just a little one. It has actually turned into a yawn now. I am so overdue on that nap.

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Music, Friends and Piles of Shit

Yesterday I put music on LOUDLY to get myself motivated to straighten up the house. I usually do so when I know I’m going to be conquering a large task. It puts me in a calm mood and I get in a zone.

The tunes can be whatever comes on the radio (well, Pandora). Sometimes it’ll be pulled from downloaded albums like my 90’s grunge…yes, think Pearl Jam or STP; or from the current century like the awesome and quirky Cold War Kids. And sometimes, I just find something new like the smooth and haunting sounds from Bootstraps. Or, that damn catchy high hat beat from The Nbhd. I love those happenstances of finding something new. Often times, though, I’ll read a quick bio and look at their discography and realize the dang song is from 2011 or some odd year when I must’ve been listening to my Counting Crows again and again, instead. Where was I and what was I doing? Hiding under a rock?! Napping for endless hours?! Eh, no matter. I’ll just add this “something new” to play to death and annoy my teenagers with along with songs about recovering satellites and taking things that withdraw. Ah…Counting Crows, those guys are always my steady.

Anyways, I was jammin’ out to today’s pick of Top 40…something about best days of life (catchy chorus, by the way) and tasking from living room (straightening cushions and folding laundry and hiding toys) to kitchen (wiping the damn counter AGAIN and realizing the dishwasher is officially broken). Then, to dining room – oh yeah, there I just glanced at the table top with its miscellaneous items of laptop equipment, book bags, receipts and Christmas decorations I forgot to pack and kept on walking. My goal was to make it to the bedroom to make up my bed before…or after (I couldn’t make up my mind) I put away all the laundry I folded WAY BACK from my time in the living room. Such a busy bee, I was! All the while I was thinking about a recent conversation I had with my best friend.

She called me about some questions she had about insurance (my previous life) and we discussed for a bit. We then started talking about daily life, running here and there, messy house, no time for husband, missing time spent with her son. Gotta slow down, gotta stop the worrying. Gotta get together soon, miss you, love you, remember when we were young and didn’t have such worries?! “But, Nat! You were the most laid-back person growing up!” I told her. “I KNOW! I don’t know what happened! I need to find my way back to that!” she replied.

It was not so long ago that I remember those feelings of anxiousness, those feelings of never having enough time to get things finished or tended to. Important things. NOT work-related. Things that make you reflect upon and you can smile about. Those things that make your heart warm, that make you feel proud to be you. As a person, a friend, a spouse. As an adult child to your aging parents. As a parent to little heathens, forgive me, I mean angels! One day, I don’t remember the exact time, it was more a period of months, I just decided that I can’t let my life run me over and and regret things that have/haven’t happened. I’ll just have to accept, reflect, enjoy…and I do, most days.

As I thought about my friend, I wondered if I had comforted her enough, if I had made a difference in her day. Would she pull from the conversation and stay strong in a time when she felt like crying if someone mentioned a yoga class she should take or what type of plans did she have for the evening? Would she go home that night, and if it was late, caress her little boy’s head while he slept and be alright about missing dinner with him? Would she change her way of thinking and just be thankful that he had a full belly and family to watch over him until she returned? Would she wait for her husband to return home after his shift ended and give him a big hug and smile and revel in that simple act instead of worrying about WHATEVER?

I looked at all of my to-do’s still pending (picture piles of laundry, a suitcase STILL unopened from last week, mail to sort, dinner) and realized that I may not know all the answers and I may not do everything right, but it’s ok to let go and it’s ok to stop it all. I didn’t think it’d ever have been possible to stop my obsessive thinking and worrying and nagging but I know I’ve come a long way and it does get better.

After all this thinking and cleaning, I decided to change the music. It changed from Top 40 to Reggae. I grooved for a few but it just wasn’t right. I switched to Rock…the alternative heavy kind. I was semi-inspired. I just wasn’t feeling it anymore. So, I decided to turn the music off. SILENCE. It was quite nice. The baby sat down with me and we read a book. He got up and ran away afterwards and I continued to sit, enjoying the moment. Not noticing the dining room or the kitchen pots calling out to be warmed with sauces and veggies. Nor the bathroom, even, with it’s demanding cries for some attention. I was content and done with my piles of shit for the day.

I hope my friend can find her way back to that laid-back chick she once was. She’s definitely still in there. I know it from her demeanor, her gentleness to others, her genuinely happy tone of voice whenever she talks to you. It’s still all there.

Maybe I could tell her to listen to some music (like me with my steady). Or sit in silence or go fold laundry. Or go draw something (she actually used to draw/sketch beautiful things). But, I know better. These types of things you figure out on your own, in time. Fortunately.

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It’s My Daughter’s Birthday and All She Wanted Was a Cookie Cake

My daughter celebrates an important birthday today. She turns sixteen years old. Sweet Sixteen! One-six. There is a “1” and a “6” standing together!

I’d like to say that I remember all of her birthdays as if they happened yesterday. But, that’s not true. The years have flown by and I remember some more than others.

On her first birthday, we threw a party at my mom’s house. Just family came to see her eat cake and blow out candles. I also remember one of her aunts bringing a rather large platter of chicken nuggets that my daughter very much enjoyed.

On her second birthday, the family, including grandparents and aunts and uncles got to eat pizza with Chuck E. Cheese. What I recall the most is how much my daughter enjoyed being carried around by her loved ones to play video games and dance with Chuck and friends.

On her third, I couldn’t tell you. Same for birthdays four, five and on through ten. Heck, on through fifteen! Those memories flow one into the other on VHS tapes and prints from disposable cameras and more recently iPhone clicks uploaded to a photo site that no one looks at. I faintly recall gold pants, a Barbie cake, more Chuck E. Cheese, a few Disney trips with the grandparents, a silly scarf, dancing, Fudgie-the-Whale cakes, outings with aunts and uncles, bumper boats, eating at semi-fine restaurants, and lots of chocolate cakes.

She never asked for much or anything at all. Maybe it was because we didn’t celebrate with lavish parties. Maybe she was just shy. Maybe she just enjoyed the company of her family the most.

For instance, she is now at the age where she is legally old enough to drive…one would think she’d ask for a car. She is now also legally old enough to get an industrial ear piercing on her own…so, one would think she’d have the appointment ready, first available. But when I asked her if she wanted/still wants these things, she just shrugs her shoulders in a true “I don’t know” fashion.

What she did state clearly, however, is that she wanted a cookie cake. A cookie cake? Yes. That’s what I heard, too. Ok. I told her I’d get one at the local grocery store, easy does it.

But, alas…it’s never that easy, is it? None of the stores located in my area had cookie cakes for sale. I was quite flabbergasted and also bummed out that I’d have to bake one. Not because I didn’t want to, but just because…I really didn’t want to. Such a pain measuring and mixing, especially with a toddler trying to attach his large head to your foot. I dislike it immensely. However, it was such a simple request, how could I let her down?

The cookie cake turned out to be a success. And I semi-enjoyed making it because I knew she would like it and also because the baby was distracted by a piece of cereal he couldn’t quite reach under the dishwasher. It didn’t look much like a success, though…a mixture of fudge brownie and chocolate chip cookie deliciousness, piped with pink glitter icing, shaky lettering and two rainbow-colored candles. But, it was made with love.

I hope my daughter knows how much I adore her. I hope she knows that behind every stern warning and every strict order, that I love her. I’m sure she secretly wishes for a brand new car or even that piercing. But, I love that we spent her sixteenth birthday together laughing and enjoying dinner and a cookie cake made from the heart. This birthday, this one, I will remember. I’ll remember it because it was so simple. A simple request from a sixteen year old. And the simple things are the best things.

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I Will Try to Finish This Before Noon or Before My Bladder Explodes

Last day of the year and I woke up in a good mood. I think it was because I had an attitude adjustment last night, some bed-time fun, a good dinner, got to watch my shows and even play on the Twitta and crush some candy.

As I read this while writing, I laugh at how easy my life is and how good it can be. It’s a good deep happy laugh that’s full of emotion. Accompanying me this morning is a toddler snacking on his cereal…I can hear his crunch-crunching as the music on his DS is on repeat…almost like a bad rave session. I look over and he’s feeding Wolfie, his fave stuffed animal. “So cute!” my brain says. Such a good morning…I hope this day continues along this way. (I should wake up the teenagers…errrr)

I’ll be off shortly to the grocery store to do some shopping for tonight’s New Year’s feast…beef and chicken sliders, homemade pasta salad with a twist and box brownies with vanilla ice cream because I like it. Easy, again…like that’s my groove, yeah…

I re-read my resolution from yesterday like I told myself to and it made me remember what is important. Today will mark twenty-two years since I met the hub, at a Guns n’ Roses concert through mutual friends. I was only 15. Boy, is that young and how I have to laugh at that. Finding a true friend in life, hoping my same-aged daughter now keeps her innocence a bit longer than we did…”take it easy…easy” my brain calms me.

I still have to shower and make a list AND get the baby dressed. “And don’t forget to use the facilities,” my bladder reminds me.

The point, finally, is that today is a good day. I’ll continue to make it a good one. “Yes!” my brain exclaims.