When You’re Paranoid and Everybody Knows It

I had a conversation with my sister over the weekend and even though it was discussed in a semi-joking manner, we believe we have a family full of bipolar disorder, depression and all around mania. The symptoms are all there and the history we’ve experienced, our mother’s and our father’s behaviors, prove indeed that this must be so. I only know from various fiction and non-fiction reads and a friendship with Molly, an expert in all things psychosis-related and an old friend I only see posts of now and then on Facebook. My sister believes she is knowledgable because she has experienced a therapist and some college courses. And of course, we both have had our issues.

Getting back to the conversation with my sister, she just missed a whole week of work. She woke up and just couldn’t go. She felt ill, sick to her stomach and slept…all week. She ended up going to the doctor at the end of day three slumber and he put her back on her anxiety meds and a mild tranquilizer. I feel for her. I’ve done that so much throughout my adult life, I’m surprised I’m as “well-adjusted” as I surely am. I told her it will get better as long as she is on them. That I don’t do that anymore, not even as anxious (or so I believe). Sometimes I think I may be worse, though and I told her that, too. I think people know what I’m thinking or what my next move will be or what I haven’t done. The up and down mood swings, the obsessive cleaner and mom/wife. And then the moody and angry mom/wife. The emotions are really intense anger and frustration. The paranoia goes full swing. I’m going to blame it on possible high blood pressure which I did have briefly after my third child was born. I’m going to blame it on my husband. I’m going to blame it on my mom. I’m going to blame it on the grocery store, or Yahoo! emails or the weather. But, really, it’s probably because I’m a disorderly and that’s just it.

Now, not being a doctor or anything of the psychiatric medical profession or even that sympathetic to it all (yes, it IS tiring even to a victim…the disastrousness of it all) I have to say that it makes me sad and yet motivates me both at the same time. So, this being a short post because it was on my mind and I haven’t written in awhile because, you know, that’s how it goes in my world…I’ll obsess about how I should’ve written a few more paragraphs or what others may think or that I shouldn’t have wasted a half hour on this because someone will know I was slacking (like, who?) and I really should be doing MORE, MORE, MORE.

Ah, the paranoia of it all.

I’ll get over it…eventually.



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