It always shocks me to see the last time I wrote something since it really just felt like it was the other day. I can blame it on the busy days, I can blame it on my laziness, but heck, really I just don’t get epiphanies to write everyday like I wish!
Last night, probably 1:30am or thereabouts, as I lay on my couch cradling the baby to sleep AGAIN, my mind raced with the goings-on between myself and the hub these last few weeks. It’s such a struggle to think how mean I have been to him out of frustration, sadness, loathing of too many years gone by and not feeling worthy. Worthy in the sense that I feel very much left out of his thoughts and actions, blaming his selfishness for want of football and hockey watching, for his clicking incessant on the keyboard for another sweepstakes entry, all the time he spends perusing car magazines in the bathroom and latest but not shocking, his not getting me anything for Christmas (year three and counting). Mind you, we’ve been together for over twenty so why should I care, you say…well, I still do, for some odd reason.
Not that I don’t believe that he loves me any less, but I’ve realized that maybe I let him think that I’m alright with minimal attention, watching a TV show in silence, falling asleep twenty minutes into a movie we took thirty minutes to find AND agree upon, not deciding to decide to get me a gift this year.
Everyone, well really just my girlfriends and sisters, always say “you have to tell them, men are dumb.” And it always sends a jolt through my shoulders and makes my throat tense. “But, WHY?!” I always retort. I could laugh and laugh and continue on with this conversation but we all know where it goes.
Main thing I’ve decided, as I most often and always do while going through this writing process, is making a decision to do something or nothing about a situation. As I sit here tapping on the iPhone screen, I think I’ll be nice to him when he gets home from work today. I’ll be engaged in the conversation and not dismiss his work-related story or his latest sweepstakes blurp. I’ll take it one day to the next, plan our future based on what is still to come and let go of the past…finally.
If there ever was a new year’s resolution that needed to be worked on diligently, then this one sure is for the books.
Along with my workout challenges, parenting challenges and overall me-me-me challenges, I will put my marriage to my husband first this year, and respect him and accept him for all that he is.
Note to self: read this everyday so I REMEMBER!!!